I'd choose you
by seaofswans
Summary: Post 4x18. Barry and Caitlin comfort each other after the events of the night


"_I know this isn't the ending we were expecting so... if anyone wants to talk..."_

_Talk._

That's all Iris ever wanted to do anymore. Sometimes people need space. _He_ needed space.

Barry shut the door to Ralph's former office, taking a step into the cold air. It was fitting; he wanted to take tonight slow.

He could tell Iris was angry that he asked for some leeway, the expression on her face had said it all. They had different ways of grieving and Barry knew she was trying to be there for him, but he didn't want that.

His hands were stuffed in his jacket pockets, his feet kicked the rocks on the sidewalk. Barry didn't have a destination in mind.

If he had a difference of opinion, when it came to their relationship, Iris would become discomposed. He didn't understand, maybe it came down to her need to be equals, but he didn't question it either. He really hadn't given it much thought until he returned from the speed force and he was forced into therapy. _To talk_, of course.

He loved Iris, but sometimes he felt suffocated with her; like she was trying to combine them into a single person.

"_We're the flash." _

The more she tried to get close to him, to understand what he was going through, the farther he drifted from her.

Before she left, he had said that he knew he could talk to her. However, the truth remained; he couldn't.

"_Same plan again. And you wonder why he's always ahead of us."_

Barry had played Ralph's words over and over in his head and couldn't help but wonder if it did have to do with Iris' leadership.

He had been struggling with the switch ever since he'd returned. Barry wasn't used to having her talk him through every situation, he was used to hearing Caitlin, Cisco, or Harry. He had never been fond of change, and Iris knew this.

Barry had told their therapist that he and Iris were learning to get back in sync but, the truth was, they never had synced up again.

At some point, Barry had ended up back at star labs. He trudged into the cortex where he let out a deep sigh and shut his eyes.

_When had everything gotten so complicated? _

He was shaken from his thoughts at the sudden sound of a sniffle, his eyes darting around to distinguish the source of the sound.

A small figure, residing in the medical room, appeared in his line of sight, one that could only belong to a certain doctor he had a soft spot for; _Caitlin._

A tender smile formed on his lips as he thought of her. Caitlin was the one person he knew he could _truly_ confide in.

Unlike he and Iris, he and Caitlin had always been in sync. Things with her were easy; comfortable. Barry didn't have to try with her the way he did with Iris. Things were natural.

Barry had often struggled with defining his relationship with Caitlin. Friend, confidant, almost lover? He was never sure.

Whatever they had, worked. He enjoyed his time with her more than anyone else; found himself talking to her more than anyone else. After a while he had realized their relationship didn't need a label, they were just Barry and Caitlin.

Perhaps it was possible to be in the psychical part of an intimate relationship with one person while being in the emotional part with another.

He frequently wondered if he made a mistake being with Iris... if he would've been happier with someone he had more in common with. He recalled the time he and Iris had gone on a date and decided to talk about anything, but their work, and how they had ultimately come to the conclusion that there was nothing else _to_ talk about.

That had never sat well with him.

He made his way over to Caitlin, a feeling of warmth and consolation spreading over him, despite her cold abilities.

Caitlins eyes were trained on the wall. She was so lost in thought that she hadn't registered his presence in the star labs either, let alone him standing right beside her.

"Cait," he whispered softly, placing his hand lightly on her shoulder as he spoke.

Her body jolted slightly, snapping her out of her trance, and her hand quickly reached for her tear stained cheeks.

"Barry, hi, wh- what are you doing here?" She cleared her throat quietly.

"I could ask you the same thing."

"I asked first." Caitlin chuckled lightly

"I'm not really sure, to be honest, I kinda just ended up here after locking up Ralph's office. You?"

"Just... thinking. About Killer frost."

Barry nodded knowingly. They had all lost Ralph, but Caitlin... she'd lost a part of herself, too. He sat down next to her, his hand resting lightly on here, urging her to continue speaking if that's what she needed.

They'd always had an unspoken connection, like they knew exactly what the other needed.

"When I first got my powers," Caitlin began, "I was cold all the time. Like, there was this chill inside me and no matter what I did I could never retain heat. I always thought it was just a side effect from my powers but, when I finally connected with Killer Frost, it went away... and now that she's gone it's, back only, worse. Now there's this emptiness inside of me. I've lost the one person I could REALLY count on, the one person who'd put me first no matter what."

Something inside Barry twisted. How could she think that after everything they'd been through?

"_But what do you care, you've got Iris, you got your happy ending. Everyone else be damned."_

"Cait, that's not true. Everyone here has your back, everyone here would do anything for you, I would do anything for you."

"No, Barry, that's not true." She snapped. "Everyone here has someone they love more than me, someone they'd save before me if it came down to it. Cisco has Gypsy, Harry has Jessie... you have Iris. There's not a single person on this team who would put me first. Hell, there's not even a single person in the world who would put me first. But Killer Frost did. For the first time since Ronnie died, I had someone who would put me first and even though it's not really the same since she's _me_ it was enough."

Her words sounded SO broken.

"_I'm broken, Barry." _

He had broken her and, somehow she found a way to fix herself yet, he'd broken her again.

"God, Caitlin, I'm sorry. I had no idea you felt this way. This is all my fault, again. You were right to blame me. This shouldn't be happening to you, it's not fair."

This was not what she intended, she didn't want Barry blaming himself for something that he couldn't control. Maybe he was the reason she felt this way, which was on her, but she didn't blame him. How can you blame someone for being them self, for _making _you fall in love with them?

Caitlin gathered her composure and turned to face him.

"Hey," she took his hands in her own, "None of this is because of you, and it never was. I wasn't in my right mind back then, I was hurting and broken, and I should never have blamed you for that. You didn't break me, Barry. You helped fix me."

The emotions that swirled in his stomach, from her confession, were enough to make someone sick. He couldn't process them, his brain on overdrive, and he wasn't sure if now was the right time to let his feelings out... if there would ever be a right time.

"Ironic coming from my own personal physician." He let out a soft chuckle, trying to lighten the mood, concealing his true emotions.

A small smile played on her lips in return, her eyes looking down at their still intertwined hands. Neither Caitlin nor Barry made a move to unlock their hands, they simply observed the way her hands looked wrapped around his.

"You know, you're right about the cold thing," he began, "your hands are freezing."

"Oh, jeez, sorry." She apologized, pulling them away quickly.

"Hey, no." his hands chased after hers, encircling them, and pulling them back to where they had rested on his lap before. Barry vibrated his hands, attempting to heat hers up in the process.

"Thank you," Caitlin whispered sincerely.

They sat like this for a few silent minutes, each enjoying the presence of the other, when Barry suddenly got the urge to speak.

"For the record," he began, "you might have been right about the cold thing, but you were wrong about something else."

She raised an eyebrow curiously.

"I would pick you first, over anyone else, even Iris... You're the one person I can really talk to, the one person I can... be myself around. I think that I could live without iris but... I couldn't live without you. You're too important to me."

Caitlin bit back a smile, mesmerizing Barry and causing him to stare at her lips, leaving her cheeks tinted red.

"Well, for the record, I'd choose you too."

His eyes flicked back up, meeting her gaze.

Caitlin squirmed under his intense stare, feeling too exposed. Barry found himself holding his breath in anticipation, of what he was unsure but, before he could realize what was happening, her eyes had already darted away.

"I should probably go," she muttered quickly, pulling her hands from his, once again. This time, he didn't chase her.

Whatever had been building between them, these past 4 years, was not quite done.

"Um, yeah, of course."

The development of their relationship had been slow; almost painfully slow. But, then again, everything else in Barry's life was _so_ fast that this was a nice change of pace. Any growing he and Caitlin had left to do, Barry would happily endure it.

"Thank you, Barry, really. You helped me a lot tonight."

He nodded contently in reply.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Cait."

That night, as Barry watched her walk away, was the night that he came to a vital realization; yes, he did love Iris West but, he was _in _love with Caitlin Snow.


End file.
